Six months ago I lost my son, best friend, and the love of my life. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about him, that I don’t miss him. Some days I can think of all the happy times with fondness and longing, some days are just filled with pain and an ache in my heart that I never thought was possible. Many of the days, I push the painful thoughts and memories from my mind, say hello to him, and keep going with my day. But there are times, especially in the middle of the night, when the pain creeps in and takes over. I cannot think about anything else other than him, cannot feel anything other than the tightness in my chest that overwhelms all other senses.
Fritz was my first dog that was not a family dog. When we bought our house, I finally convinced Andy that I could have a dog. I researched what kind of dog was right for me, for us. Then I researched where to get him from. I finally settled on a breeder, something I was loath to do but felt that it was the best decision for me. I found the perfect little puppy, a black and tan cavalier that captured my heart the instant I held him. We named him Fritz and he became the center of my world.
I joked that I had given birth to him (a story some people think is quite hilarious). I grew to love him as deeply and viscerally as I could ever imagine loving someone or something. I did not know that it was possible to love someone as much as I loved him. I always joked with Andy that Fritz was my one true love, my soulmate.
Fritz and I had a deep bond, an understanding, and a connection that I have never found with anyone else. He is the love of my life. When he looked at me, he saw deep into my soul. I wanted to make the world a better place because I wanted it to be a better place for him.
When we came up with the idea to give up our current lives and go on the road, he was a part of that plan. I knew that wherever he was, it would feel like home. When I lost him over the summer, I lost my drive and passion to save the world as well. I questioned whether or not this journey was the right decision since it no longer included my inspiration for having a better life. We decided to continue with our journey and I decided that he would not want me to be unhappy.
On our first road trip to Lutsen, MN (our test drive for the RV), Andy and I held a private service for him on our favorite hiking trail. It put some thoughts at peace and we were able to leave on our adventure filled with more hope and happiness than we had felt in a long time.
Today is Christmas Eve and I know that a lot of people have lost loved ones and are spending their special day without that important person (or people). Fritz is not the only one I am missing today, he is just the sorest spot since it is his anniversary reminder. I have decided that the best way that I can celebrate the holidays is to include him and all my lost loved ones in my thoughts and by sharing memories of them during this holiday season. They are only truly gone from our lives when they are no longer spoken of or remembered. I will always carry them in my heart.